Choices

I started this post around four months ago. Edit after edit. I just couldn’t get the words and sentiment to sit right. I abandoned it in July. Looking at it now I’m not sure what my problem with it was. That’s not true. I know exactly what the problem was and is. I have another post in the works that will address that.

Last edited 7/23/16

“Believe in the integrity and value of the jagged path. We don’t always do the right thing on our way to rightness.”  Cheryl Strayed

Each morning is a rebirth. A new day. Yesterday is a memory. With each morning comes an opportunity.  An opportunity to do something different, to try something new, to help someone in need, to help ourselves. To show compassion, empathy and love. To feel joy, excitement and happiness.

To truly live life and to do the best we can.  But too often we skip these opportunities.

Life unfolds with or without us. It is our choice whether or not we participate. And choosing not to participate is still a choice. And sometimes what we think is participating really isn’t. When we set our life to automatic and do what it is we always do. When we set our life to automatic we put blinders on our eyes and miss all the opportunities and beauty that surrounds us.  We set our journey of life to auto-pilot.

Doing what we normally do and getting in return what we normally get.

Often time surprised and upset when we don’t get more.

Life can be hard. Sometimes just going along for the ride is enough. Sometimes this seems like all we can do. And sometimes we feel as though we are not entitled to anything more.

An automatic life is easy, it is the path of least resistance and the path we take when we wake up and the day is already insurmountable. When we’re tired or have already made too many decisions for that day and we don’t want to make any more.

It is an interesting paradox and difficult to argue with.  When life turns out OK, doing what we always do. How can one argue with that?   It may not be spectacular like we dream of, but its OK.

And that is enough.

But is it?  Suffering lives in the gap of what we dream of and what is our current reality.

When we long for more and don’t appreciate what we have.

We all have dreams, we all long for more. But there is a massive disparity between what we dream and what we do to achieve those dreams.

For me worthiness and entitlement factor into the equation. Am I worthy of pursuing my dreams, let alone achieving them? Am I entitled to happiness with all that I have done? How much penance do I have to pay to know I am worthy?

When will I forgive myself and know that I can achieve anything I want?

The universe has been so generous with me. Providing me with so many opportunities. I don’t take for granted all that the universe has done for me, I understand my need to pay it back. But I question my worthiness in receiving it.

When will I understand that the universe is not just handing me an opportunity for the hell of it?  The universe does not work that way.  The opportunities that are provided to me are the result of what I do each and every day. I know this and yet still feel so unworthy.

I feel lost when it comes to what I want, what I dream of. I feel like I know, but it so easy to lose track of. And in reality, it’s not that I lose track, or the excuse that I use to that I am too busy.

I’m just scared. Plain and simple.

I know the core outline of what I want to do. I know how to tell other people how to start and that they can succeed.

When it comes to my own dreams I become oblivious to the next step, or the next step appears so large I don’t even know how to take it.

Of course I know how to, but fear is big scary monster that only allows me to get so far. Sometimes I make it further than other times. Sometimes barely out of the gate before I call the idea or inspiration stupid, not going to work, out of my ability.

I do things I enjoy, I try to take care of different parts of my life to keep in balance. But I skip the biggest one. A gaping hole inside of me. One that I fill with an automatic life sprinkled with activities I enjoy.

At what point do I quit stop waiting for the perfect time, the perfect idea, for Mars to be in the correct spot in the sky to take action and move forward?

It is travelling a great distance only to realize there is a mountain ahead of you. And instead of thinking what is on the other side all you see is the mountain face. The steep cliffs, jagged edges and icy crevices. The insurmountable.

So it is with everyday that I wake up and have a choice.  To keep doing the things I enjoy doing. Writing, reading, exercising, meditating. But on top of that I have to work for more.

To fill the hole inside of me.

Desire fills you up, not pursuing desire empties you.

I’m good at identifying the issue. And writing about it here. But the next step, the big one, the important one requires me to actually do something.

How badly do I want it?